Dealing With Anger
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Of all of the emotions that we feel, from happiness to despair, from elation to hopelessness, none compare to the problems that come with experiencing ANGER.
Anger can be very painful and harmful when it is not handled appropriately. It can also be very positive and allow the person to really "let off a lot of steam." The most important thing to remember is that when it is appropriate and manageable, it is perfectly normal and can be an asset to someone's mental health. The problems come when we don't know how to express our anger, or we react in a way that is harmful to us or our relationships.
We may have some strange ideas about anger. Women, particularly in the southern Bible belt, are taught that anger is associated with being rude. Showing your anger might mean that your are "unfeminine" or less than a lady. There seems to be a different set of rules for men. They are often taught that anger is a good emotion, and that they can get their way by being the bully or strong-arming their way in certain situations.
Anger may be easy for one person to express and very difficult for another. Sometimes, people are afraid to let go and deal with the real feelings that we are experiencing.
We are afraid of where it will lead. What if things get out of hand, and we lose control?
We are afraid that if we really get into an argument, we may lose, and end up looking foolish. No one wants to feel exposed or become an easy target for attack.
We may become embarrassed or ashamed if someone see us angry. We may fear losing a relationship, our job, or our friends.
Some people use anger as a mask. They pretend they aren't really angry and say things such as "I'm not mad, I'm just hurt or disappointed." They are taught that anger is "bad," so they stuff those feelings down inside, and come up with a more acceptable behavior they can display.
One of the first things that many people have to learn about anger is that it isn't violence. If people can learn to separate anger from violent acts, they can eliminate a lot of self-destructive behavior.
Eliminating drugs and alcohol also takes away the excuse for many people that "things got out of control," or they didn't know what they were doing. Learning to be responsible for your feelings and emotions is one step toward maturity, instead of remaining an immature, blaming, "child."
FOLLOWING THE RULES
There are four important rules to remember when dealing with anger. Once it is recognized as a real, legitimate emotion, we must learn how to appropriately express anger.
Rule 1: We express anger in ways other than physical violence. We must
make a conscious effort to turn away from violence.
Rule
2: We express anger at an appropriate level. Some people seem to have
an "on/off" switch for anger. They are either raging out of control or
not mad at all. They cannot seem to find any middle ground. They may hold
in their feelings for a long time, and when they finally let loose, look
out!
Rule 3: We fight fair. This means saying what needs to be said, but not
purposefully looking for an excuse to hurt another person. Sometimes,
we get the angriest, and act the most inappropriately, with those we love
the most. This is often because we truly feel safest with those people,
and know they will not abandon us when we behave inappropriately.
Rule 4: We fight for good reasons, not bad ones. In other words, "Pick
Your Battles!" Don't waste your time and energy on things that you cannot
change. Remember the Serenity Prayer? "Lord, help me to accept the things
I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom
to know the difference!" If you are going to get upset, let your true
feelings show, possibly expose your own vulnerabilities, then it better
be for a good reason.
TIPS FOR DEALING WITH ANGER
Confront
the situation when it occurs. Don't allow your resentment to build.
Identify
what you are really angry about. Often we end up arguing about the wrong
thing.
Don't
take out your anger on the wrong person, or as the old saying goes, "don't
kick the dog." If you are angry at your boss, don't go home and yell at
your spouse just because they are available.
Take
responsibility for your anger. Anger comes from inside us, and it is not
from other people. Their behavior may spark our anger, but it is our responsibility
to handle it.
Use
"I" statements, not "you" statements. These are the major components of
assertive communication, and will go a long way toward accepting responsibility
for how your are feeling, and eliminate blaming someone for your anger.
Decide
how you will respond to your anger. Once you accept responsibility for
this emotion, then you can choose how to respond to it. Stop and think
about how you will respond before you simply react.
Have
a plan. If you keep finding yourself in the same situations, and you get
angry every time, plan ahead of time how you will react. Discuss your
anger with the person involved.
Count
to ten. This old advice still works. While we shouldn't ignore our feelings,
it is appropriate to allow a calming down period in order to get our thoughts
together, and decide how to appropriately react.
Know
when to quit. You don't have to always win every fight. If both parties
can walk away with their self-respect still intact, then you've both won.
Learn
to forgive. Don't hold onto that anger forever. It really can be self-destructive,
and is probably serving another purpose. Old anger becomes a good excuse
for avoiding all kinds of commitments. Learn to let go of that old anger,
forgive the person you were angry with and forgive yourself.
Make
some changes. Practice new communication skills. Recurring anger means
that there is some problem in your life that you are not addressing. Take
an honest look at your problems, and how you can address them.
Get help from others.
There are many programs and groups available to help you deal with your
anger. The only thing to be embarrassed about is not asking for help.
Information
provided by Summit Medical Center Psychiatric Program
Hermitage, TN
October, 1998
Reading Suggestions
The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner
